5/06/2025
Today’s my birthday and my mom and sister took me out to eat at this restaurant not that far from where we live, it was nice, I got a new pair of shoes and a bunch of money from my family and im thinking of ways I could spend it. The day isnt that special to me, but its important to others because of what my life has meant to them, which is cool.
I also found myself falling back into some habits of trying to reconnect with old people I used to know, trying to start old relationships back up no matter how bad I was to them and how bad they were to me. There’s this girl I had a huge crush on but she was just toxic and manipulative, I wasn’t any better I’ll admit, but at times I want to go back to being her friend, but I don’t know how I could convince her that I’ve changed for the better… Maybe I could get thinner, start riding bikes, making a lot of money, solely for her attention and to feed my ego, but I think I’m willing to take that risk since I will be able to be a cooler person with or without her. She strokes my ego, once she starts getting bored of it, we both move on and look for someone else to fill that hole we want filled (ew). Who knows, if I wanted it that badly I would lock in, and hopefully I can become more attractive overtime and let things start falling in my lap instead of being a fat slob with no eye candy to offer, I can’t possibly deserve someone attractive if I am not attractive myself.

4/29/2025
I am in a very strange place in my life right now, individuality is such a hard thing for me, I know id be so much cooler for being myself, but something in the back of my head is constantly telling me that I should be like everyone else. I should work to pay for my pleasures, I shouldn't have any goals or aspirations other than getting rich and finding love, I should be a follower and never a leader because leaders have to make sacrifices and thats never good. I know that I am capable of so many things but it feels so hard to do sometimes, I think its mostly because of my lack of initiative and because of my surroundings, my friends wanna do stuff but I know I have things to do. I am having such low standards for everything and its disgusting me, thats why I need to lock in and focus on what I need to improve upon. I'm starting to crush on a good friend of mine just because were interacting more?? I hate that I am that weak willed that attention from a girl is filling enough. I need to learn how to care for and about myself again, my mind, my spirit, my intelligence, my finances, my talents, my capabilities, I know what I am capable of yet I don't do anything with it. Also, I need to get handsome so the girls dont think im some creepy loser when I go visit them, I dont want to be another stupid man that they met on discord, I want to be the cool girl-guy friend that they like to talk to. My mind is whirling and I have no cohersive thoughts, so im just going to draw...

4/22/2025
Okay im doing a lot better than the last time I posted on here lol. I've been starting to go to church for genuine reasons rather than making my mom happy, I want to start building that relationship with God and gain more security on who I am as a person through him. I wont be immune to tough times, but at least I'll be stronger in how I approach my sad and/or suicidal feelings, my brain is a constant shock tactic to myself and I hope with enough patience and understanding I will become better. Therapy is expensive, but I definitely would go if the resources we viable to me, so faith in God is something I want to learn to have in a stronger sense. I want to become better, its going to take a while, but you wont get fruits the same day you plant the seed. Anyways, if anyone's reading this blog, ty for checking up <3

4/11/2025
I want to attempt again. I am not myself anymore. I feel like a visitor in my body. This isnt me. I freak out every day thinking about how much I want to take my own life. It is no longer a haha I want to kms, it is a fucking kill yourself milli. I hate myself. A lot. I have started fearing for my life at times when I drive or when I cant sleep at night. I just feel so unbelievably unhappy for no good reason. I have no reason to feel this way. Why do I feel like this.

4/4/2025
I recently realized how little I know people. I am not one to make friends out of my own volition, its hard for me to reach out because of my personal insecurities and general introversion, but its kind of hitting me hard how lonely I am. I have friends but they're all busy or unwilling, and if they aren't busy they’re on the other side of the country. I feel stuck depending on my own entertainment and my own reactivity to feel happy, but I never realized how hard it is to stay consistent to myself without interacting with others. idk if that makes sense or not… I just want to be able to have a person I can call and go somewhere with, no ifs ands or buts, just a “come pick me up” and go somewhere. I feel like moving away and restarting everything, build my own identity all over again, I hate feeling like I halted. I want to make content creation a priority so I can have an excuse to get the hell out of here. I need to lock in.

02/22/2025
I want to get a motorcycle, I met a brother from church that has helped me fix my Honda Civic '98 and Im thinking about selling it once we got everything cleared up and fixed. He says that I can list it at 5k to a person who knows what theyre buying and theyd most likely buy it for 4k best case, 3k worst case, which is a win-win for me because they can still meet me in the middle. He recommends I keep the car and buy a bike on the side so I can have the car as a backup, but at that point itll just take up space that the bike can hold, I also think itd be cool to learn about bike mechanics. Its still all up in the air though, so once we fix my car I can start considering all that stuff.
Also I learned something about that girl at work, she's about two years younger than me, she's going to school to become an elementary teacher and she's a very emotional person. Obviously i havent made any substancial progress, this could've all be learned in a single conversation weeks ago, but its pretty good for someone as quiet as I am, her eyes are also very intimidating, like its hard to look at her in the eyes without starting to fold, she's seriously so gorgeous. I want to get to know more about her type and just general things about her, I dont know what approach to take since ive never crushed on a girl at a job ive had, but I think I want to prioritize making her a friend first and seeing how things go from there, I still dont know a lot about her so its still "a crush is a lack of information" right now. I have noticed she makes conversation with me more than I do with her, dont know what it could mean but I appreciate that push so I can follow the momentum.

02/11/2025
I bought a book at barnes and noble the other day so I can learn to draw better, I think drawing and being good at it is a very attractive talent and I also want to get commissions so I can start getting money for it. Ive also been slowly trying to integrate myself with my coworkers, most of them are women so I always felt a bit intimidated or left out since they talk and have that "girl" relationship I guess, but ive been working there a while, so I thought it better to start now than never. Also, I realized how obsessed with girls I am, like I love everything girls do, the way they look, they sound, they talk, they laugh, their personalities, their differences, their perspective on the world, like theyre just so awesome. I am not one to be like "shawty so bad I need to titty f*ck" to every single girl I talk to, I genuinely enjoy homegirling with girls, im not some dude fishing for attention from women so I can have sex with them, if I was attracted to a girl, I would make it clear instead of playing "Friends to Lovers," because thats dishonest and lame. Sometimes I feel like thats hard since im not the most attractive guy ever, call it insecurity, but I think pretty priviledge is such a derivative of how people perceive you. I want it to be like "this guy is chill" to "this guy is funny" to "this guy is nice" to "I think I like him." IT FEELS SO PATHETIC TO SAY IT OUTLOUD OMG but seriously, like I just wish my looks were better since thats what most people go off of when interacting with others. I dont know, I think a relationship is a luxury that I cant afford, but things feel difficult when I cant share it with a partner, maybe I just feel lonely...

02/04/2025
I got more hours at work today, theyre kind of all over the place but at least itll get me a fatter check for next pay. I want to start taking the Youtube stuff seriously by thinking of video ideas and making actually cool stuff. It'll take some time for me to have an audience and a group of people who enjoy the niches I do, but thats the beauty of creativity I think; I do the things I do because I love to do them, if I didnt care, id be making overedited slop on tiktok to make money (which to be honest, is not a bad idea atp...). Anyways, my day was pretty good, Nothing incredible but yk, it was chill.

02/03/2025
I want to create a habit of typing how my day went onto my website, not everyday, but anything interesting that I might have. For example, there's this person at church that I didnt care for, but now im kind of starting to have a crush on, idk how big itll grow, but shes cute and she is very extroverted. I will admit I think she is more of a pretty face for me, idk if its someone I see myself being in a relationship with, but here's to whatever happens.